I know you’re gonna blame me for this, because that’s just what kinda shitheads people are like, but Tuesday, October 15th, is National Grouch Day – no, really. The one day out of the year dedicated to us, and I’d like to tell you how happy that makes me, but it doesn’t. Know why? Because nobody ever makes the cheery motherfuckers leave the country, or at least stay home locked in a closet. So much for a national holiday.
I have provided plenty of methods of celebrating the holiday before, and true to form, not one of you assholes bothered to tell me whether you tried any; I’m fairly certain you’re all them, so bite me. We true grouches are used to getting shafted, so you didn’t even raise the bar for the day.
Oh, hell, you know what? I’m gonna drop some quick suggestions, because I don’t wanna hear you complain (yeah, right,) and you can do what you want with them, safe in the knowledge that whatever it is, I won’t like it.
Glitter (shit gets everywhere) Single-ply toilet paper Music earworms Pay by check with a long line Wet toilet seats You know that old charger that initially makes a connection, but for no reason later on simply gives up and stops charging? Right Make weak coffee Bad perfume Pick the cookie or chip bag that’s obviously been manhandled Loosen a speaker wire until it crackles Rearrange the cupboards randomly Buy the bargain brand foods Put something sticky in your purse/pocket Grease every ballpoint you can get your hands on Drive anywhere in NC
As I’ve said before, the goal is to equally share the wealth, as it were – you should be taking no delight in these, so even on the activities that don’t directly affect yourself, make sure everyone knows it was you so they can respond in kind. Everyone should be grouchy, even though it’s the cheerful people that enhance our own grouchiness – that’s the sacrifices we have to make.
Worst of luck to you (shithead.)