Profiles of Nature 4

great egret Ardea alba looking excited
This week we have Panamera-Cayenne, captured here the first time she tried out a bidet. Panamera-Cayenne is a veteran of nature photographs, appearing on the covers of Vanity Feather and Codsmopolitan, as well as nailing the centerfold spread in the 2019 Victoria’s Egret catalog (where she was eaten by an alligator – you know the shot.) She just stumbled into this career when she was discovered by Helmut Newton while working at a uranium mine, a favorite hangout of Newton’s, but had originally studied to be a robot because she heard they were getting all the jobs. In her spare time, she likes disentangling string from the vacuum brushes. She recalls vividly, as a little girl, hitchhiking 23 miles to meet the guy that chose the official color for school buses when he came to the next city, but it turned out to be an impersonator; her parents, of course, whaled the shit out of her when she got home, but Panamera-Cayenne says it was worth the effort, even though it didn’t exactly pan out (the impersonator was admittedly pretty good.) She is a fervent anti-collector, ensuring that she has no more than one of anything, and thus only travels by unicycle and does not own scissors or pants. Her favorite type of sedimentary rock is, of course, turbidite.

Join us next week when we continue to deny that this is a godawful waste of space and effort!

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