Profiles of Nature 10

juvenile Virginia opossum Didelphis virginiana held in author's hand
This week we have one of our younger models, Hesterine, here being coached by her handler. Hesterine, naturally, got into the business when pressured by PETA (PETA never asks,) which needed a new spokesmodel after the last one died from malnutrition, curiously since he was on a regular diet of naturally-deceased grass. PETA funded the eye-dewing surgery and the widow’s-peak enhancements in preparation for their rural American billboard campaign, budgeting millions to stop roughly twelve rednecks from eating possum. Hesterine hopes to parlay this into either a swimsuit career or her own show on Food Network making multi-course meals from the compost bin; she already knows six recipes for the stalky bit of lettuce heads. She’s not neglecting her regular studies though, holding a 3.9 GPA in Making The Dogs Lose Their Shit At Night while excelling in Drama Club, playing the ingĂ©nue’s stunt double in Romeo and Juliet and the lead in Evita 2. In her spare time she drools. Hesterine’s one weakness though is hair-care products, since she fails to understand what ‘topical use’ means, but her colon is shiny and full-bodied. Her favorite paint finish is PDCA Standard P12.

We’ll be back next week, because petitions and threatening phone calls only scare weenies! See you then!

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