Holy shit, it’s been over a year since the last Profiles! You must think we’ve become compassionate or something! We’ll have to see what we can do to correct that horrid misapprehension…
This time around we have Shailagh, whose favorite month is June because people think she’s observing Pride Month when in reality she always looks like this, observing nothing because she actually can’t see dick. Shailagh is one of those who follows every lame rumor about what will get you high, never realizing that 90% of them are simply trolling and the rest from 12-year-olds with overactive imaginations; right at the moment she’s tripping on yellow Tic-Tacs and what she’s been able to snort from alloy wheels in the parking lot. To no one’s surprise, she claims it’s a coping mechanism for deep-seated trauma from her past, but in reality she just thought Mel Gibson looked cool in Signs and wanted to mimic the angsty mood. Still, it could have been Twilight or The Notebook so we should be thankful for that at least. When she’s not trying to convince herself that she’s totally aardvarked, Shailagh serves as a wedding planner for her friends and acquaintances, though they don’t know it. So far she’s been unsuccessful, which is good because, you know, Signs – nobody needs to suffer from that kind of taste. On the positive side, red (stay with us here.) Shailagh has big aspirations because she hasn’t realized frogs don’t have gills (c’mon, keep up.) She hopes to one day overcome the bias against bullfrogs in stock car racing, believing this to be systemic amphibianism, but the truth of the matter is, no one has figured out how to get helmets to stay on. Her plans for retirement involve a pot of water that someone slowly turns the heat up under, and candidly admits that her favorite realization is how the name of every southern rural pasttime or party game sounds like a euphemism for anal sex.
We’re not through yet, so be sure to keep your eyes peeled for… you know what? That’s a really stupid saying, isn’t it? I mean, most of them are when you get right down to it, but that one’s fucking creepy. Anyway, more Profiles will come, and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it, so you might as well embrace it – go on, give your Aunt Despair a great big hug, then you can go out and play.