I toyed with posting this too late, like last year, just to get everyone into the spirit of things, but I figured the effect would be much better if people were forewarned and prepared to take full advantage of it. So be it known, tomorrow is National Grouch Day. That’s right, all those little shits who keep telling you to cheer up, stop considering the glass half-empty, turn that smile upside down, and all that, have to go fuck off. All day. Oh my dog, it’s going to be great!
Or, not. Probably not. Actually, we all know it’s gonna suck – why am I even bothering? I mean, who the hell scheduled this for October, anyway? Third week in January, that’s when it should occur. A Monday. It probably won’t even rain tomorrow. But we’re stuck with it this kind of inept planning, like always, so there’s nothing we can do but bitch about it.
And it’s not like it’s gonna do any good, or that anyone’s even reading anyhow, so this is just wasted effort, but here’s a list of things you can do to make the most out of the day, especially by ignoring them:
Hammer carelessly; Let the air our of your spare tire, and those of everyone else you can get to as well; Loosen the top of your own salt shaker; Make sure your hands are wet when you shake out a pain reliever too vigorously; Get paint on the bottom of your shoe, so the drop cloth sticks to your feet; Forget to charge batteries; Drink straight from the jug/carton in full view of everybody; Eat spicy burritos tonight, especially if a long meeting is scheduled for tomorrow – bonus points for riding the elevator a lot; Don’t replace toilet paper (see above); Shave/groom in the dark; Glue a stone into your shoe (and, like the spare tire, the shoe of anyone else that you can get your hands on); Use a torn bag for the kitty litter, or when you walk the dog; Soap everyone’s favorite coffee mugs – also, substitute decaf; Keep screwing with the thermostat; Hesitate at green lights; Release the door you were holding for someone just before they reach it; if it’s a woman and she comments or glares, say, “Oh, you looked like a feminist,” in explanation.
That should get you and everyone else started on making the most out of the day, and if they don’t work, you know what to do about it.
But seriously, this one’s for us. Grouches are supremely marginalized in our society, suitable, it seems, only for talk radio. We have this unrealistic standard constantly being set for us, that we should be upbeat and cheerful all the damn time – we can’t let optimists dictate what’s acceptable and what’s not. Our voices need to be heard; we need to stand up, tiredly, and say, “No! Let’s look at the dark side! Tomorrow is another day, and it’s going to be miserable too!”
Or not. Whatever. Fuck off.