But that’s different!

To everyone reading this right now, kindly send me your Social Security number. I am a taxpayer, and I help pay to support this program, so you need to send it to me so that I may confirm that your own contributions are in order. I have no intention of carrying more than my share of the burden while you remain off of the grid, shrouded in privacy.

I also need to know what car you drive; make, model, color, and Vehicle Identification Number. You are on public roads, so this is my right to know. In fact, I really need to know what it is you do in your car, because this impacts everyone else. Most especially how often you play with that little Star Trek Tricorder of yours instead of paying attention to the road. I also need to know if your driving habits are contributing unnecessarily to the depletion of fossil fuels. If you drove an SUV into work with only yourself inside, this is a serious problem that must be resolved, for the sake of everyone.

I need to know what kind of eating habits you have, because this ultimately impacts the cost of health care in this country, and can contribute to the decline in life expectancy and even influences children in their developing years. I’m not very happy with those who publicly eat junk food where kids can see them, even if they don’t appear to be enjoying it. Waste products from food packaging also forms the majority of the bulk in our landfills, which affects everybody, so it’s important to know who isn’t doing their part in reducing waste.

I need to know whether you’ve been to counseling of any kind, and how your past relationships have gone – this requires corroborating info from family members, former spouses, and everyone you’ve dated. A very large number of the crimes in this country are committed by people with some shitty pasts, so this is for everyone’s safety. If you don’t want to answer, that’s fine, but you do realize this means you simply have something to hide, right?

I need to see the past seven years of your employment performance evaluations. Productivity in this country is a major contributor to its economic status, and in these tough times, we need to know who’s pulling their weight and who isn’t. Naturally, this also means a good record of your usage of company resources, especially computer and corporate vehicles. I will probably need to install some monitoring devices wherever you work. This is not your own time, after all. Remember, as a taxpayer, my curiosity must influence you since you’re benefiting from my dime, even when you’re contributing your own. Your taxes don’t count in this regard.

What you watch on TV, and the movies you select to view, are of paramount importance. You are potentially a voter, now or in future, and we cannot have effective leadership if the voters in this country are ill-informed. There is also the possibility that violent movies lead to violent behavior, as well as patriotic movies leading to bad foreign relations – since this makes perfect sense, I’m not obligated to actually support this with any kind of facts. Common knowledge is dependable knowledge. If I can draw a connection, it must logically exist.

While I’m on the subject of voters, who did you vote for in the last dozen elections? If they achieved office and made bad decisions, this means that you led us all in a downward direction, and perhaps we need to be looking at voter privileges a little closer. Responsibility is something that should be both earned and sustained.

Are any of your children struggling with school, or maintaining less than an optimum grade? This likely means you’re not a very good parent, and someone should be stepping in. I also need to see what entertainment materials you’re choosing for your offspring. We all know where an abundance of stupid kids leads: YouTube server overloads, and dumber advertisements on MTV. Everyone has to deal with these, you know, not just your own little brats.

I am saying all of this because I am smarter and more moral than you, and you need the guidance. You cannot be trusted to cross the street on your own. Those of us who have learned how to make simple decisions have a responsibility to protect ourselves from abject morons, and to be frank, the morons should be grateful to be controlled. Where would we be if we allowed people to give in to their desires, rather than letting someone else make rational decisions for them?

However, who you go to bed with, what you do when you get there, and how you deal with any consequences… that’s all none of my fucking business. It’s a free country, after all.