Profiles of Nature 6

pair of hamadryas baboons Papio hamadryas squabbling
This week we have siblings Gollumer (left) and Leggite (guess) when they’d been amusing themselves by throwing sheep off the roof, suddenly discovering that dad was home early. Gollumer and Leggite had won their appearance in the opening sequence of Miami Lice in a contest sponsored by Stouffer’s Stove Top Stuffing, despite the fact that this never existed. Their attempts to parlay this (their appearance, not the stuffing thing) into a regular modeling career failed when neither of them could master looking pouty – thankfully, they found this out before they dropped the money on butt botox. They then pooled their resources together to start their own business selling shock collars for conspiracy believers, earning millions in pre-sales that they had to return when they couldn’t locate 220v batteries, which they suspect was a plot; they are now trying to find another use for their business name, “Gollumer & Leggite’s Fryawhack.” In their early childhood, Leggite convinced Gollumer that their bathroom was once an ancient Indian burial ground (fed by the Ganges,) forcing Gollumer to consult a Ouija board before entering each time; this was how they found out it was actually true, but the spirits were cool with it because they liked playing with the bathroom scale. In three years the pair will own more America Online CDs than AOL actually produced, due to interest. Leggite’s favorite Kid from CAPER is Bugs, and Gollumer’s preferred press manufacturer is Gestetner.

Be sure to check back next week – we’re confident this isn’t going to get any better.

« [previous]
[next] »