Profiles of Nature 58

The combination of rituals, lucky talismen (talismans? Whatever, we don’t care,), cutting foods ending in “S” from your diet, and talking backwards on Tuesdays failed to work, because we’re here again with the Profiles! Right when you were thinking, Maybe. Just maybe…

American alligator Alligator mississippiensis Caleb recovering from a hard night
Today we have Caleb, up well before he ever wanted to be and quite sure the breeze is making too damn much noise. Caleb thought he had struck gator gold when he happened across a flock of egrets too unresponsive to escape last night, realizing now that they’d been partying hard (it was an Ardean holiday yesterday, the Feast of the Timely Tailwinds,) and he definitely exceeded his limit of schnockered seabirds on an empty stomach. The last thing he needed this morning was paparazzi, which might normally have been very bad for us, but the thought of doing a death roll makes him want to blow chunks, and even a fat floundering guinea pig could escape by making the water ripple a bit too much. Because of all this, Caleb wasn’t answering our questions with anything more than a weak groan, so we’re using his Herpepedia page for the remainder (no, that has nothing to do with STIs – geez, read a science book.) Caleb is in high demand among directors because he can tell the difference between a popular, A-list actor and the special effects mockup spurting fake blood, so he knows when he can chomp down; additionally, he knows the difference between a popular, A-list actor and an extra getting paid $25 a day so, you know, the catering costs are greatly reduced. Caleb was discovered while he was ‘performing’ (lying there) in a roadside attraction as the largest alligator in Florida – one of 758 of them, anyway – but has now been in every movie featuring Florida in the past eleven years. The popularity of such, however, has waned recently and Caleb isn’t in demand as much anymore, so he’s now hoping to meet a certain ex-President who is by no stretch of the imagination a popular, A-list actor; following that meeting, Florida may again start to be more acceptable in the media, but even if it doesn’t, Caleb considers this a valuable service to his country. He admits that he never picked up a hobby because he thought spare time had something to do with bowling and not about ribs, the fool, but he has campaigned against Pearls Before Swine and The Far Side for their bigoted stereotyping of crocodilians. Caleb reluctantly admits that his favorite song that no one knows the name to but was not actually used in that The Simpsons episode where the power plant is bought by a German corporation is, ‘Happy Go Lively.’

Will it be six months from now? Will it be next week? Will it even be later this week? No one knows, including us, but the Profiles will return. Book your therapy now.