Profiles of Nature 57

cownose ray Rhinoptera bonasus Jorgeanne skimming bottom
You tried praying to a different god this time around, didn’t you? Thought you might have figured it all out, but we’re back now and shot that hypothesis to hell…

This time around in Profiles we have Jorgeanne, only the Spanish pronunciation so it has nine syllables and sounds a bit dirty. Jorgeanne obviously overdid it a bit with the lip injections; you know how you add a bit of hot pepper to a recipe, only you get a little used to it when tasting and you keep adding more until you serve it and your guests make those overly polite comments about the recipe and are always busy the next time you invite them over? Yeah, that. Thankfully, she never seriously considered any buttock work, because a cownose ray with a dump truck is not something anyone should have to see. While you might figure that she’s aiming to be a swimsuit model, she actually has her eye on the TV, mostly because she keeps forgetting where she left it. She also tries to keep a good head on her shoulders but there are obvious problems with that. Jorgeanne is greatly in favor of broadening audience expectations and generating greater diversity in casting, because her agent told her she’d damn well better in today’s climate, which is simply, “wet.” Secretly, however, she longs for the return of blacklists, because she’s delighted with the idea of sanctioned douchebaggery, plus if she’s unsuccessful she could then blame the system and be considered a martyr instead of talentless. We know you’re trying to determine if this is offensive in some way and we’re enjoying your confusion. Jorgeanne figured that the secret to not being recognized and hounded when in public was to be in the presence of bigger names, so her errands always require trying to coordinate with other celebrities, making her the strangest stalker in town. She has no plans for retirement because she lives too close to countries with unregulated fishing industries. Jorgeanne’s favorite method of removing bubblegum from hair is with liquid nitrogen.

Even we don’t know when the Profiles will cease, but there are still way too many images set aside in the folder, so don’t get your hopes up. We’ll throw you a bone by saying some of them are probably not good enough to use, knowing you’ll just look at the prose above and realize that this doesn’t stop us…

« [previous]
[next] »