The day you’ve dreaded is almost nigh

While it would have been nice to completely forget about this, at some time in the past, in a fit of uncharacteristic optimism, I put the damn thing into my calendar and reminders have been popping up for days. Far be it from me to suffer alone, so be warned: tomorrow is National Grouch Day, as you probably already know so this post is an utter waste of time.

Last year’s post contained a lot of really terrible ideas, and I’d apologize for it but you don’t deserve such. The point is, there’s one day – one lousy, fucking day out of the whole year – that we can be ourselves without someone trying to convince us otherwise, and it is our onus to spread the irritability. And I really should just leave you hanging like that, but I’m not sure if that constitutes doing my part, so I went ahead and made a new list to work from, for which I’ll probably get blamed if you screw them up:

Bring empty donut boxes into the office

Pocket someone else’s keys, then after at least five minutes of the owner searching for them, surreptitiously place the keys back in a location you know the owner looked at least twice. Best to be gone before they’re found (you’re not allowed to enjoy this)

Buy/use cheap metal tools that no one was smart enough to clean all the metal burs from

Keep disconnecting the internet router throughout the day

Try to be ‘cool’ and ‘with it’ to your kids in a public place – bonus points if you can do it in front of a crush

Spill something wet on fabric carseats – it must be slightly below body temperature so it won’t be immediately noticed

Salt someone’s toothbrush

Failing to tip waitstaff is not acceptable – they depend on tips to make up part of their salary. However, generously overtipping them entirely in nickels is fine

Put your turn signal on and slow down for every side street but never turn

Try an extremely difficult recipe with a lot of hungry people waiting

Hum (badly) some recognizable yet really annoying bubblegum song in a crowded office, so it gets stuck in everyone’s head (this might work if they’re older, or this one.) When someone finally complains, simply tell them, “Don’t worry – be happy.” They’re just wannabes anyway…

Put containers back in the fridge with about 1/4 ounce of content within

Distribute random patches of bubblewrap around the workplace – all bubbles should have a pinhole in them

Shave some coarse grit sandpaper with someone else’s razor, preferably one still in the refill pack

Set every clock in the house to a different time (bonus points for coordinating this with the internet thing)

Get one shoe soaking wet

Knock on the door of an occupied bathroom and ask if they’ve seen the big hairy spider come under the door

Hide a container of spoiled milk behind the fridge against the wall – seriously, it’ll take forever to find, but the fridge will finally get cleaned

Drive someone else’s car without adjusting the seat

Use every touchscreen you can, including your own, with jelly on your fingers

Find the shopping cart with the worst wheels. You know the one

It is important to note that this is not National Asshole Day, and also that we ourselves are not exempt (even if we normally have this going on anyway.) Chances are, if anyone figures out we’re the ones with the ‘holiday spirit,’ we couldn’t escape it anyway. Embrace it reluctantly, develop those frown lines, let our irritated mumbling be heard! Let’s drag the ‘norms’ down into the mud with us and become one big dysfunctional family, if only for a day.

It won’t matter anyway – it never does. No matter what we do, someone’s always gonna try to be upbeat. It practically makes me sick. What the hell’s right with people? Whatever – kick back and stream Sanford & Son with a bag of burned popcorn and try to remember every stupid thing you’ve ever said to anyone.

Anyway, even though he completely screwed up the timing, Jonathan Rosenberg still knows.