Once again, I undertake this task with the complete and abiding knowledge that no one will give the faintest damn about it, which is of course my way of celebrating it. Yes, there’s another holiday coming up: National Grouch Day falls on October 15th, which is appropriately enough a Monday. This is the day when you buy a cake for the grumpiest person in your workplace, then ‘accidentally’ drop it on the floor as you present it to them. The day when you put on underwear that no longer fits, before it’s fully dry.
The day that you give your delivery driver a nonexistent address, then keep calling to find out where the hell they are.
The day that you set the oven temperature and the timer with your eyes closed.
The day that you answer every phone call with an agonizingly slow, painfully obvious script recital.
The day that you change all of your passwords into something incredibly hard to remember.
The day that you sneak the batteries out of someone’s car remote.
The day after you leave the garbage in the car overnight (preferably if you have to make a long trip.)
The day that you show your actual level of disinterest in other peoples’ stories.
The day that you readjust all of the car seats.
The day that you forget your doggie poo bags (preferably with lots of witnesses.)
The day that you get really pedantic about other people’s spelling and grammar online.
The day that you throw some coins in the drier when you have to be nearby to hear it.
You get the idea (but if you don’t, or need more inspiration, I’ve covered this before.) In short, it’s for you, me, and everybody – we all must wallow in the Pit of Petty Irritation. Note that this is not National Asshole Day – that was June 14th (figure it out.) We do not take delight in other people’s misfortune, we may only share the pissiness among ourselves.
All of you bright, optimistic, cheery-ass twits out there are forbidden by law (or at least should be) to try and change our moods for the better. Not like you could anyway – nobody’s buying that fake Snow White horseshit. But if there’s one day when you have to cram a sock in it, it’s this one. We don’t ask for much (we just complain when we don’t get it,) so you can let us have this one. Merely making the attempt should get you down to our level anyway, but if it makes you feel
better worse, we still won’t like your company.
So have at it – indulge your inner cantankery with the full recognition that some mook will try to deny that it’s a real holiday. Embrace the wincing at embracing. It takes more muscles to frown, and you are ripped. it doesn’t matter – it only lasts a day, if that, and will be forgotten about immediately, ’cause people suck. But feel free to comment and tell me how your day went, and I’ll be sure to delete it or make some petty point in return.
[What’s the opposite of “Cheers!”? Stupid worthless thesauruses…]