Looming just ahead

If you’ve been checking out that sidebar for past posts, you knew this was coming: Thursday, October 15th, is National Grouch Day, an honest-injun American holiday that, if we’re being faithful, we can’t really celebrate, but we can observe – wearily, cynically, and fatalistically, secure in the knowledge that it won’t be anything to write home about. Yes, this is our day, but what good will that do? Most of those chipper assholes will ignore it or deny it.

Nonetheless, we have to make the effort, wasted as it is, because if we don’t, we’re admitting defeat. Well, sure, we will anyway, but in this case, it’s tantamount to agreeing with someone, and we all know how poorly that turns out. So let’s not be one of those pathetic slacktivists, announcing the holiday as if it would make any difference to anyone, but instill the true spirit within one and all in the worst manners possible. To that end, I provide a few more helpful tips, though you can always peruse my previous examples as well.

  • Set the clothes dryer a little short
  • Forget to replenish key supplies
  • Spill sand on the table
  • Find those socks that always slip down past the heel
  • That radio station with too many obnoxious commercials, not quite dialed in
  • ‘Just miss’ putting things back where they belong
  • Spill some ammonia on your mask (and everyone else’s)
  • Mutter something under your breath every time someone turns away
  • Velcro in your underwear
  • Keep asking stupid questions in meetings
  • Greasy thumbprints in the center of your glasses
  • Double a random ingredient in a recipe
  • Remind people at work about that kid that makes $750,000 annually on YouTube
  • Splash a lot of water around the bathroom
  • Leave your phone at home
  • Argue the positive aspects of The Debate
  • That’s a start, but if you’re really into the holiday, you don’t need my suggestions. Just remember that it should be spread equally between ourselves and others, and if you’re enjoying yourself, you screwed up. Again.

    Trust me, this will do no good at all anyway – I’ve seen this day go past for years now, and nothing bad ever comes of it. Hell, I can tell from the site stats that no one even reads my suggestions. So whatever.