Profiles of Nature 7

red-crested pochard Netta rufina bathing
If you’ve ever wondered whether waterfowl exhibit flatulence, this should answer your question. It has been said that birds do not pass gas, but this isn’t true; it only happens once in their lifetime, and as you might imagine, it’s a sphincter-stresser. Bijou Ambrosia here (born Faknatz Naifispuni) has studied her entire life to become the next top model, so we’re not going to have a whole lot to say in this biography. In school, she used to carry her entire locker on her head instead of just a book (you know, for posture,) and would only raise her hand if the light was perfect. There are numerous photos of her being caught unawares, then dashing away in annoyance, but they’re all selfies. She has sleeping makeup. Bijou doesn’t understand why anyone would get prescription sunglasses because no one can tell on top of your head, and they don’t taste any different when chewing seductively on the earpieces. She owns two cars but cannot drive; they’re just there to lean on with one foot lifted. During a photo shoot in Cancun, her running-on-the-beach scarf got caught in a passing bicycle and she was dragged six kilometers before she thought to let go, but the scarf matched her beak gloss perfectly so we can all relate. In her spare time she holds open books, hoping to convince the tabloids, and her favorite toaster setting is pointing at the bottom of the “4.”

Join us next week but, you know, only virtually because of that thing.