Profiles of Nature 15

jumping spider possibly female Hentzia mitrata Gwendolyn sequestered in holly leaf shelter
This week we shout out, “Hi!” from a safe distance to Gwendolyn – not because of any fear on her part or ours, but because she has wicked hay fever and this is as close as she’s coming to the outside air during this time of year; you’d be the same way if a single pollen grain was damn near the size of your nostril. Gwendolyn is a bikini model in high demand, both because of those come-hither eyes and her ability to rock a wet, semi-transparent white top – Rowr! Not to mention legs for eight days. She’s not at all class-conscious or possessive, and gives most of her money to charities such as CARE (Cobwebs Are Really Enticing,) a program to move over-privileged spiders from upscale homes and into abandoned buildings where they’re less likely to be vacuumed up. “Humans inhale up to seven spiders a year in their sleep,” she reminds us. “With your help, we can raise that to thirty-five.” But she has her self-indulgent side too, liking nothing better than to curl up with a thick mothshake and watch any movie where William Shatner gets killed. Gwendolyn majored in Failing in high school, making her report card completely confusing, but admits her real passion is actually Indifference. She collects stamps and swats, and occasionally flaming Lysol. Her favorite legume variety is Tufrunner 297, because of its semi-prostrate growth habit.

Come back next week with a witty riposte!

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