Profiles of Nature 40

jumping spider Hentzia mitrata Bimasha cha-cha-ing or something
Know what? You’re a crybaby. Cry, little crybaby. “The Profiles of Nature just won’t stop! Waah! Waah!” Little crybaby…

This week we have Bimasha, the last photo of her on stage before she stepped off the edge and fell into the orchestra pit, breaking three different legs (and a pedipalp) and getting billed for the damage to the woodwinds section. The lesson is, stay off the pharmaceuticals that dilate your eyes when facing the stage lights. Before the accident, Bimasha had a promising career as a one-woman chorus line, partially because of those long, glowing legs, partially because of the red hair, mostly because she was able to stay in step better than a string of other dancers. Or so she says; rumors arose that she was sleeping with the producer after he was found eaten one morning. Bimasha, laid up in the hospital as of this writing, is considering a change of career, not sure if her high kicks will ever be the same and also pretty fucking pissed at woodwinds in general now. She thinks she might try melanomatherapy, the art of relaxation through skin cancer, or perhaps just painting since she’s pretty adept at not replacing the lid properly on the 5-gallon bucket nor stowing it securely in the back of the truck, leaving a trail of white paint for two kilometers down the road, which seems to be a requisite skill. Asked to relate an amusing story from her life, she speaks of the time when she was five months old and urinated in an entire crate of new oboes, slightly disturbing since she’s only three months old now. For her retirement, she invested in a shipment of durians, which will rot away since no one will buy them, resulting in an insurance pay off while the durians themselves will keep her in fruit flies for years. Bimasha charges everything and travels a lot, and double-dribbles more than she should. She claims that her favorite kitchen appliance is her fondue pot, but we call bullshit because who the hell has ever used a fondue pot?

You have seven days to find a spot in the world with no internet access and spare yourself the horror of another Profiles of Nature. Good luck.