Profiles of Nature 41

ruby-throated hummingbirds Archilochus colubris Carol Harvey Vicki Lyle swarming feeder
Nothing stops the relentless march of the Profiles of Nature! Though you could try paying us off – we’re not gonna rule that out…

This week we have Carol, Harvey, Vicki, and Lyle, a quartet of acrobats that go under the name of ‘The Flying Antimacassars,’ though no one has had the nerve to ask them why, or cared. They were hounded and forced into performing by their kids, who even as preschoolers recognized that college loan debt was a bank industry scam and decided that the best way to avoid this was to have rich parents – you’re free to wonder what their kids are gonna be like, but we’re guessing they’ll get knocked off by an heroic time traveler (we already own that storyline, so don’t even think about it.) The Flying Antimacassars are reasonably successful, but a little late in developing, because no one goes to the circus anymore and Battle of the Network Stars has been defunct ever since Gabe Kaplan had that lion-taming incident, so now they just have a YouRube channel (The Flying Antimacassars, not the Network Stars, who don’t even rate a capital ‘T.’) Things were going well until Vicki hit Carol in the face during an attempt to perform what they call the ‘Cotton Pony,’ forcing Carol to be out of commission for a few weeks. Acrobatic routines with only three people tend to be dramatic, but not terribly smooth since one person keeps crashing to the ground (usually Lyle,) but then they thought to mount an action cam to his forehead and increased their viewers exponentially. Fortunately, Carol was able to rejoin the group about the time that they realized they could no longer remove the action cam memory card, given its depth in Lyle’s skull. One good viral video will put The Flying Antimacassars into their targeted retirement bracket, but they’re competing against a lot of teenagers dancing braless, so who can tell where this will go? Or, again, cares. Carol’s favorite cereal toy was the Alpha-Bits Pocket Printer, and Harvey’s was the King Vitaman Royal Racing Coach; Vicki’s favorite was the Flintstone Rock Grabber, and Lyle’s was the Sugar Bear Musical christmas Ornament – but then again, we already knew Lyle was a dweebelo.

Just like the stuff forgotten at the back of the fridge, Profiles will still be here next week, and certainly not improved in that time.

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