Profiles of Nature 48

As we close in towards the end of the year, now is probably not a good time to tell you we’re having so much fun, we may continue the Profiles indefinitely, i.e., endlessly. Eternally. In fact, we’re thinking of having kids just to carry on the legacy – why should rich assholes be the only ones that get to do this? Hell, we’re already choosing names…

juvenile green treefrog Hyla cinerea Gefjun suggesting you talk to the hand
This week we try to meet Gefjun, who’s signalling her handlers to get this vermin out of her face; she’s too big a star to bother with the little people. Soon after, she began screaming at her publicist for allowing the interview in the first place, amid protests that she badly needed some positive spin. As such, we can’t tell you much about her, except for what crew and bystanders were willing to vouchsafe – which was a lot! Gefjun grew up a fiercely bigoted racist shit, but identifies as tolerant and open-minded; it may sound like we’re making some tired old joke here, but we all know someone exactly like that, don’t we? Okay then. Gefjun did the whole privileged, pulled-strings thing growing up, from child beauty pageants (goddamn, they’re creepy) to cruising through an ivy-league college despite not knowing how to pronounce, “nuclear.” Her parents were steering her towards politics (go on – guess which ticket?) but she opted to go into show business instead because she wouldn’t have to look appealing to the working classes every four years. Unfortunately this isn’t turning out so well, since being a “400 milligram treefrog” on the set doesn’t translate usefully, her own fault for never having learned metric. Plus the fact that, due to shunning interviews, nobody knows how to pronounce, “Gefjun” and they’ll usually cast someone else just to avoid embarrassment. We can’t imagine. She likes demanding points even though she has no idea what they are, but it sounds ‘industry.’ Gefjun’s plans for retirement are to not piss off her rich parents, and her favorite on-set tirade is over being given a thick highlighter when she wanted a thin one, never realizing that markers can be rotated.

The reserve has not yet been met [cheapskates,] so next week goes on as planned.

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