I shouldn’t need to tell you by now that tomorrow is National Grouch Day, and I fully expect you to be on your worst behavior but know you won’t anyway, you’ll disappoint me yet again. Yes, the day when we trod on the feet of optimism and blame it for putting them in the way, when we are perfectly justified in grumbling irritably at those cheery smirking bright-siders, when we turn off the news before their closing segment about some little kid trying to be cute. Just this once, dammit, we’re allowed to snark back at all those smarmy little bastards who try to ‘correct’ our justifiable peevishness and reply, “Not today, Happy Teeth! Today is my day, so put that in your herb tea!” They won’t listen anyway…
And even though it’s a national holiday, we won’t even get it off and have to work anyway, which is likely someone’s idea of ‘getting into the holiday’ even though they’re enjoying it themselves. I’ll let you figure that one out, if you feel up to it.
In the past, I’ve provided plenty of suggestions to help everyone get into the mood, which is more work than it’s worth, so this year, I’ll provide some quotes from the best grouches the world has known, to demonstrate that it should be more than a single day.
Blug Nuh-Uh: “Man, there’s got to be a way to make raw meat taste better than this.” (paraphrased)
Marse Ibid: “Polo, put a cork in it – you know you’re not ever gonna travel anywhere.”
Braximinio Guiseppeana: “Gutenberg! You can’t engrave worth a rat’s ass! The evening edition is gonna be late!”
Abernaminy Smithore: “Revere’s gonna fuck it up – put more men on the job.”
Lefleubitique Bon Non: “Pasteur, it’s the small stuff that wears you down every day.”
Emily Kinsumption: “Mr Darwin, do something with your barnacle collection or I’m throwing them out.”
Mamie Bockfarden: “Yeah, but what are you gonna do about it, Susan – vote?”
Dick Wembleystan: “Sure, the Outer Banks is great, Orville – if you like constant wind!”
Alois Furgenthaler: “C’mon, process those patent applications! The clock is ticking, Einstein!”
Norwood Snop: “Well, it’s that or nothing, Babbage…”
Duncan Blebbytits: “Who the fuck wants a bunch of photos of frogs and bugs?!”
Imagine where we’d be without all that, with just optimists leading the way? So stop grumbling to yourself tomorrow and let your raspy, phlegmy voice be heard! Just, don’t think it’ll accomplish anything…