Profiles of Nature 17

brown snake Storeria dekayi Euphrosyne peeking from behind dandelions
Wow, you’re still coming back? We should have defeated even the most die-hard masochists by now, but okay. Today we’re dropping in on Euphrosyne (six syllables,) who’s largely retired from the biz now. She started out just fine, pulling down gigs for Guns and Ammo and Elevator World magazines, and even a walk-on for an episode of BJ and the Bear (no, she can’t walk, but she’s an accomplished actress, dumbass.) She soon had her own line of clothing, but had to give it up because the homeowners’ association didn’t allow clotheslines. Still, everything was looking rosy until one day two years ago when she was not refused service at a local restaurant, the maĆ®tre d’ averring that she was too small a snake to provoke even the willies; the ensuing scene involved multiple police officers, two lay preachers, and a sign spinner. After that, Euphrosyne withdrew from the Public Eye (her odd bank in Massachusetts) and became a bit of a hermit, or maybe theirmit now, not appearing in public, never returning phone calls, and only posting four times a day on FaceBlerk. Naturally, rumors abound: that she lives in a trailer with 28 caps, or that she’s responsible for child beauty pageants, or she doesn’t have any Bluetooth devices. We could find no support for any of these, but we’d started them anyway, having attended journalism school, so we’ll just dodgily imply that she has some filthy habit – your choice. Her great-grandparents came over from South Sudan, and her favorite discredited discipline is plombage, according to a bio that isn’t actually hers.

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