Profiles. Why did it have to be Profiles?
This week we have Oddveig, here just as she discovered, after landing the part of the alien villain and spending the last two months bulking up to resemble the obese sluglike concept art, that they were going to do it all with CGI. She hasn’t said a word now or even blinked for the past day, so luckily we completed our interviews with her a few days back, between helpings of Ho Hos (and you should know that we just looked that up to know the proper spelling, if there was a space or a hyphen or anything – the exhausting research that takes place for this blog.) Oddveig is the quintessential method-actor (“actress” is frowned upon now, isn’t it? When did this happen, and why didn’t we hear earlier? Is there someplace where these things get posted?) who conducted most of the interview in an alien language, so we don’t have a lot to tell you. She also endeavored to leave a trail of slime behind whenever she moved, of which the less said about it, the better. She did, however, keep referring to us as, “Solo,” gratifying because despite our best efforts and a really slick black vest, back in the day, none of our schoolmates agreed to call us that and instead settled on, “Nien.” Don’t call yourself a fan if you’re looking puzzled right now. Since we could only understand the words that did not exist in “her own” language, we have only a sketchy understanding of her biography, but we’re fairly certain she grew up in, “Shytown,” and was inspired to take up acting when she was hit by a, “chartreuse micro bus.” Something like that, anyway. She’s also afraid of bears, apparently. If you don’t recognize her, that’s because Oddveig created quintessential method acting, wherein you don’t take on the persona of the character you’re portraying, but that of another actor who knows how to play that part, and so she is often mistaken for Cameron Diaz or Rowan Atkinson. She’s so good at this she actually had Wesley Snipes thrown out of his own birthday party as the imposter, earning her a box of chocolates every year from David Goyer. Oddveig’s favorite office supplies that are bought but never used anywhere, ever, are colored paper clips.
No, don’t even try telling us you actually like these – we’re sadists from way back and we’re hip to that feeble psychology, so next week goes on as planned.