Profiles of Nature 26

mellow green treefrog Hyla cinerea Vigdis
Even when we were out of the state, the Profiles continued, so all hope of escape is lost – deal with it. This week we present Vigdis, a staunch advocate for hemp and CBD and suchlike products because she lacks the ability to comprehend anything of real interest. She also feels that her eyes are too close together, but this may be because she was adopted by hammerhead sharks; while she searches for a plastic surgeon that can accommodate her, she’s thinking of hiring someone who will carry one of her eyes but always stay in the next room. She intended to start procrastinating at an early age, figuring this was the key to long life, but has yet to commit to it and thus completes everything early, which may earn her some kind of reward from the Procrastinator’s Club if they ever decide whether she intended to apply posthumously. Her relationships tend to be rocky, normal for frogs since they breed in streams. Vigdis was picked on all through school for having off-brand clothes and shoes, confusing since she was home-schooled, and dodge ball was especially a bitch, although she was adept at faking her parents’ signatures on her report cards. This prepared her for a singing career, she says, yet doing something vocally might have been better; she’s off-key even in sign language. Her plans for retirement are well in order, with a street corner and a shopping cart all picked out – she imagines one without a wobbly wheel, but realistically? Vigdis’ favorite bridge bit is a laminated elastomeric bearing, but so is everyone’s so they’re usually out.

Halfway! Just makes the pain behind the eyes even worse, doesn’t it?

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