Profiles of Nature 36

porcelain crab Petrolisthes armatus or Porcellana sayana Zager Turn atop thinstripe hermit crab Clibanarius vittatus Evans Cough
Philosophers claim that hell is a pointless concept, because no matter how horrendous, you would eventually get used to it all, but we believe the Profiles are disproving that canard. Today we have Zager Turn and Evans Cough, the eponymous musical duo that brought us such hits as, “Autocorrect My Love,” and, “If You Fuck Amy.” What’s surprising about this is the wildly diverse backgrounds of the two: Turn grew up being schooled in numerous classical instruments and music theory, while Cough lives next to a Harley-Davidson plant and is almost deaf – he needs studded tires to drive on the roads, there’s so much oil. They met in a bar while the TV was playing a Warren Zevon concert, finding common ground in the assertion that Zevon was a twatwaffle actually in talent debt, requiring several years of music instruction to reach talentless. They never intended to start a duo, instead planning a financial consulting scam before realizing there is no other kind, and so turned to music because neither liked adequate income. They elected to keep to acoustic and classical after their first experiments with a theremin and a Fender Strat resulted in a lot of neurological problems and a major blackout in the neighborhood (you can see they’re under water, right?) There remain some issues with chords, but neither requires a capo at least – c’mon, stay with me. Getting signed to a label wasn’t a tale of hard work, lucky breaks, or finding a niche – they’re just really good at oral sex. Turn says that her favorite floor tile is off-white with streaks of macchiato color, but the pingado kind with a hint of caramel, while Cough insists that his favorite kind of pained sigh is the one his kid emits when Cough is watching him and his friends play video games and says, “Oh, man, you got pweened!

Not even autumn yet – lots of weeks to go. Be strong. Or not – whatever, we’re still doing this.

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