Profiles of Nature 59

We’re trying to keep the post count up, so of course another Profiles was going to sneak in. You only have yourself to blame*

great blue heron Ardea herodias herodias frenching some unknown fish
Today we have the honor of meeting Enkhtsetseg, currently quite high in demand as an animal trainer for movies without a CGI budget. – you can interpret “animal trainer” in two different manners because they both work, just don’t use it in the third manner because you’ll get excoriated. Enkhtsetseg always knew that she would become famous, only she believed it would be for booking a major press conference at a landscaping company or something equally brain-dead, so she’s a bit gratified that it’s only for getting cats to cough up hairballs on command for the cameras – not entirely unlike many press conferences, now that we think about it, though much less audibly annoying. She takes no pride in her work, however, knowing that this only leads to abuse by employers, so she’s perfected the attitude of, “It’s this or nothing,” which makes them willing to pay much more for her services. You know it works. Seen here, she’s coaching her star pupil for a scene in the upcoming live-action version of Finding Nemo – yes, she’s getting paid up front. Enkhtsetseg has trained animals for appearances in such films as Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Bachelor Party, The Shawshank Redemption, and Balls of Fury; if you look carefully, you’ll notice that a pond, fountain, or punch bowl is always visible nearby, which is where she coaches from. What? Wait, you thought Enkhtsetseg was the bird in the photo?! That’s stupid – who could imagine a bird as an animal trainer? They can’t even talk. She candidly admitted for our interview that, like many in Hollywood, she struggles with substance abuse: on her way home each night, algae harasses her. Calm down – we left out the gag about juggling her career, so you’re actually ahead of the game right now. Ingrate. Besides, you thought she was the bird, so who are you to talk? Enkhtsetseg will never admit it, but her favorite term to use routinely while having no idea what it actually means is, “dado head.”

You should be thanking us – we started the Profiles just shy of three years ago and are only up to 59, instead of the number it could have been. We think a nice gift card is in order. Or we could be back next week…

* Why, we’re not sure, but it works better for us this way.