Profiles of Nature 42

You’re a good sport, you know that? Still here reading these Profiles after all this time, with your hopes of improvement dashed and your trust at rock bottom. You deserve better. We’re not gonna let that obligate us, mind you, or even make us feel a little guilty – we’ve done our part in simply recognizing it. But go ahead and be optimistic all the same.

California sea lion Zalophus californianus Lothar reaching the end of his patience
This week we meet Lothar as he discovers there’s still more construction on the sea lanes that he has to take to get to work; we can’t reprint the actual expletives he issued, and if you’ve read much else here, you know it has to be some pretty vile stuff to not get past the editors. Lothar only does nature modeling on the side mostly for the variety, having started on a dare while he was attending his local university – I know, a college dare that didn’t involve alcohol? We had to ask him to repeat it. He does well enough at modeling and could potentially tackle it full-time, but likes his regular job too much to pursue a different career – apparently his position at the KY plant pays pretty well, even if he needs a seatbelt to stay in his office chair. Lothar really doesn’t have an interesting story about his side work, having fallen into it solely because of those fabulous ears, but regaled us with plenty of tales from his factory job, the majority of them involving customers testing the versatility of the product; no, we had never heard that about Slinkies, and we’re not sure we can forget it now. The company’s legal department finally stopped issuing disclaimers and now recommends just not buying the product at all on the basis that users are only going to get into trouble with it anyway, which boosted sales tenfold – there are cooking shows based around it now (for instance, Paula Deen Gives Up Butter and What Else Can We Get Inside A Turkey?) No, none of them involve Giada – calm down. Oh, yeah, Lothar. When the company was on the verge of being sold, he was offered a golden parachute but turned it down, not enthralled with the idea of slamming unchecked into the ground and then being crushed by his own canopy, not to mention that it’s impossible to strap anything to a slick sea lion, which he vows will be the name of his first album if he ever takes up music; just the appeal of that name has him considering it. No, he is not interested in horns of any kind – god, you’re old. Lothar’s favorite inexplicable sound emanating from the apartment upstairs is [*zitcha zitcha zitcha ROWM ROWM diddlepunk*]

The year can’t go on forever, but we’ll try to make it seem like it.