Well, not for maybe 50% of the work force, anyway. If you have to work that day, well, make the most of it.
Once again, just when things are looking their darkest, the holiday rolls around – yes, tomorrow is National Grouch Day, and we all know who we are – now everyone else not only gets to know it, they have to tolerate it and stick their chipper outlooks up their asses. All of the pessimists, the cynics, the cranks, and even the bloateds and the constipateds are in our element tomorrow – not like we had to have a special day to rain on parades and pop balloons, but at least there’s a chance the sunshineys will tone it down a bit.
Hah! Yeah, right. We’re lucky anyone’s even heard of the day, despite repeated efforts, so it’s up to us to celebrate it the best way we know how: by dragging everyone else down to our level, and even ensuring that we don’t forget it ourselves. None of us need the help in this regard, but just in case, I’ve compiled another list of actions we can take to spread the bad jeer:
Remind people of the really bad plays from their favorite sports team Cut your own hair. With scissors. And no mirror Mismeasure the coffee Fold under the edge of that throw rug, every time you pass it Cough a lot during meetings Use your mouse, touchpad, or phone with sticky fingers – bonus points if it’s silicone caulk Put a few drops of ammonia in the scented candles Bring a squeaky toy to your cubicle Park carts randomly in the grocery store Put binder clips in your back pockets for the day Let the kids have those permanent markers Play ‘random formula’ with your spreadsheets Scatter caraway seeds randomly around the kitchen Wear that bra you should have discarded – you know the one Say, “Didn’t they get arrested for child porn last night?” every time someone mentions a celebrity Reset all passwords to those ‘ultra secure’ kind Use tools from the dollar store Load every 20th sheet of paper in the printer cockeyed Let the kids put together your playlist Tell someone to stay in the bathroom until you’ve found the snake. Walk away Shift the color register of your monitor and everyone else’s Keep shifting your gaze just past someone’s shoulder in shock
But you know what? I’ve provided these nearly every year, and not only have I never received a donation for the efforts, no one’s even commented about how well they worked. Makes me wonder why I bother. Maybe next year I’ll do a podcast with some really shitty editing and random volume changes – no, that’s not part of the list and you can’t use it.
Whatever. We’re stuck with the normies, no matter what we do. And I need to tell you those pants aren’t flattering at all.
