Profiles of Nature 16

black vulture Coragyps atratus Rigoberto in tree overhead
This week we wave back to Rigoberto, only to realize he was just admiring his ring. Rigoberto didn’t let his appearance hold him back, and Buscemi’d his way into movie roles such as The Jungle Book (1967,) Clash of the Titans (1981,) Conan the Barbarian (1982,) and as a stand-in for Kenneth Copeland and Sylvia Browne (though he regretted both on moral grounds, and ended up donating his fees to the charity ‘Holy Shit Use Your Head For Something Other Than A Snapchat Filter’ to help offset this.) In fact, he’s very motivated to help others, but after being asked not to volunteer at retirement homes or children’s hospitals, he found his niche perching outside Ford Motor plants, eventually being credited with a 12% increase in quality among the vehicles produced therein (nowhere near enough, but better than anything their execs ever accomplished.) Rigoberto is a perfectionist on the job, insisting on nothing but the absolute best performances and consequently not working most of the time, a standard we’re hoping to establish with more pop stars. In his youth, he set his eye on playing Charlie Brown in an eventual live-action Peanuts special and endeavored to have his head measure more than five times his neck diameter, which led his emergency room physician to call it quits, move to Montana, and begin making that string-stretched-between-nails art that was so popular in the ’70s. Rigoberto owns 754 pockets squares as an investment; we’re not sure how that works either. His favorite tourist trap is the world’s largest ball of twine.

We’ll be here next week, and you will too because now it’s just horrified fascination.