Yes, it’s Thursday already. Listen, you had all week to prepare, don’t be whining now.
This week our feature model is Lyudmila, and why do so many feminine names end in ‘A?’ Is this, like, Italian or something? Did we just brand ourselves as racist or some shit? Anyway, Lyudmila is seen here checking the pits, nervous before going out on stage for her part in the Broadway adaptation of Chicken Run, which is a little misleading because it’s Bessie Broadway’s adaptation, and the closest it will get to New York City is having an apple in the fruit bowl backstage. Don’t lie, you would have thought the show was marvelous if we didn’t tell you that. Lyudmila really doesn’t have a story we can work with: no aspirations in childhood, no drama in getting the part, no strange coincidences leading up to this point, not even an odd event that made her late for opening night. She even drives an F-150, and we’d give her credit because it’s not red, but she took what they had on the lot. Lyudmila tried out for the part because it sounded better than working at Walmart, and right now she’s not convinced about that. Seriously, we’re not sure what we’re supposed to do with this tripe, and would resent being given the assignment except we weren’t, since we’re the only ones responsible for the content herein. Well, almost – 99.5% so far this year anyway. It’s so bad, we’re sitting here gazing at our navel for inspiration, and it’s an innie. Did you know nine out of ten people have those? Even that web search didn’t provide anything useful. We have a stuffed croc from Pearls Before Swine on top of our desk – we don’t know who made it. Little stick figure arms and everything. We tried asking Lyudmila if she had a favorite of anything, anything at all, and she just shrugged, so we’re gonna says that’s her favorite gesture.
Oh, wait – we just found out Lyudmila was once with the Soviet Space Program! Too bad we’ve already hit our word limit this week. Perhaps we’ll do better next episode – when you’re at rock bottom the only one way to go is up, right? The question is, have we actually hit rock bottom yet? Join us next week to find out, “No.”