Profiles of Nature 20

trio of Canada goslings Branta canadensis Dawny Orlando and Tone
This week we have our singing, dancing, and seriously cheesy humor trio, Dawny, Orlando, and Tone, warming up for their debut variety show, inexplicably named Shields and Yarnell. Raised in a musical family, they opted to inflict this on the rest of the world rather than assert their independence like any normal person, resulting in several musical contracts from agents that believed ‘cute’ and ‘kitschy’ would supplant talent adequately, because they never take the blame. The trio is well prepared, though, already planning post-popularity careers for the inevitable, “Did they die of a drug overdose or what?” TV segments; Tone is learning how to name boutique products, Dawny is going to teach Answering The Exact Same Questions In Creative Ways at a community college, and Orlando is endeavoring to pronounce “artisanal” consistently. None of them are planning to make vagina-scented anythings, so there’s that. They even have their last album planned, where they experiment with new styles only to determine that their fans were solely people that liked the cute and kitschy stuff; a lot of studio musicians are gonna get stiffed on that one. In the meantime they’re making the most of their fame, getting pompous in public and endorsing shitty products while over-publicizing their scant charitable work, such as with Clichés Deserve Our Respect. In their spare time they like to stare vapidly. Asked about their favorite car colors, Dawny admitted his was Dark Titanium Metallic, Tone countered that Magnum Grey Metallic was superior, and Orlando insisted that they were both lackluster and Ink Slate Metallic was clearly the best.

We’ll be here next week, and could tell you that it can only go up from here but we all know that’s a lie, don’t we?

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