Profiles of Nature 45

male giant stag beetle Lucanus elaphus Linus beseeching the heavens
Yep, another week, another Profiles – there’s no respite. But what are you gonna do, go to another blog? Ha ha ha ha haaa!

No, seriously, don’t go to another blog…

This week we have Linus, filming the climactic villain’s death scene for the upcoming Bridge on the River Kwai II: Nicholson’s Son, only the squibs didn’t go off. According to Our Girlfriend, we probably weren’t supposed to say anything about all that – something about the definition of “non-disclosure,” but we can’t be bothered with hyphenated phrases. That’s like, trying to make a word longer by cheating. Linus is struggling to become more of a household name, but as himself, because ‘Linus’ is already a household name to everyone except Millennials, and we’re not even sure we’re defining that one right, but ‘twenty-somethings’ is even stupider. Regardless, he’s trying to reduce the association of the name ‘Linus’ with precocious six-year-olds or vitamin C, but it’s an uphill struggle, and he refuses to autograph any blue blankets. He’s attempting to create his own distinctive ‘brand,’ which explains that semi-reverse-Flock-of-Seagulls hairstyle, except that he doesn’t have hair and spent a lot of time trying to find an exoskeleton stylist, but it’s all for the good of the cause; he hasn’t yet tumbled to the idea of simply changing his name. He insists that’s his natural color too, but we’ve found empty henna bottles in his trash. Not that we were looking. We were just walking past his house while out for a stroll, 726 kilometers from where we live, and just happened to see them sticking out of the tied garbage bags within the lidded bin. He also has really weird taste in streaming services. We’re guessing. Linus hopes to pull down the kind of film role that will become iconic and memorable, but since only indies shoot on film anymore, that’s not happening. What are the names of those actors from The Blair Witch Project? Right. People know the actors from the porn parodies better, but don’t tell him that, because we really don’t need stag beetle films – you’re probably too young to get that pun. Linus’ favorite grammar rule is the one about where the apostrophe goes for names ending with ‘S.’

A week is the perfect spacing for these; the scars haven’t really healed but most of the pain has faded, unless you bump it hard. So we’ll see you next Thursday!

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