Profiles of Nature 11

green lynx spider Peucetia viridans and clearwing moth Hemaris on butterfly bush Buddleia davidii
Our first husband/wife team, Hepzibah and Enoch often work together on the same photo shoots, specializing in topics such as housewares and cheating spouses, and have appeared on the covers of cereal boxes and romance novels (and that one notable crossover, the romance-themed cereal called Steamy-Os.) Enoch and Hepzibah initially caught a lot of backlash for their mixed marriage – he’s lactose-intolerant and she’s from the lower east side – but as their reputation grew they started getting enough of an attitude to throw some shade on their detractors who, really, were only thinking of the children. They met, not at a shoot or a casting call as you might expect, but when he keyed her car during a scrum over closeout eyeliner; they like to call it, “love at first deposition.” They admit that they intend to settle down some day, maybe raise a couple of pertinent questions, but for now they’re quite happy with hedonism and tabloid scandals, ensuring that one of them calls their arresting officer racial slurs at least once a month – this keeps their publicist on her toes. Hepzibah and Enoch love to spend their spare time reaching out to their community, usually earning them puzzled looks from bypassers as they stand at the town lines with their arms outstretched, but their preferred hobby is scratching ancient snide remarks on air dryers in restrooms. Neither likes the idea of three-ring binders, believing the binders should decide without restrictions imposed on them by culture. Enoch’s favorite food additive is carregeenan, while Hepzibah thinks acesulfame potassium is the shit.

Join us next week, hold firmly for sixty seconds, then let stand for at least two hours until fully set.