Profiles of Nature 46

stilt sandpiper Calidris himantopus Atotoztli about to get sacked by breaker
We have a little secret to tell you: we’ve been taking it easy on you. We’ve rejected an awful lot of Profiles content that was way worse than what we’ve been publishing. Like, horrendous. So yeah, you’re welcome.

This week we have Atotoztli, here reenacting our sister that one time when she said she was “only going wading” – she wasn’t even visible in the next frame. The breaker took out her hair extensions. Atotoztli is, surprise surprise, a leg model, appearing in numerous commercials and web ads, as well as doing “leg double” work in movies such as Pippi Longstocking and Basic Instinct (though not the ‘mammal’ shot – she has some principles.) What you can’t tell from this photo is that, while her legs are smokin’, her toenails would put you in mind of Bear Grylls, so she has her own toenail double when she has to do promo shoots, and started the fashion trend of lingerie and black Crocs; she gets a lot of hate mail from podophiliacs and, really, everyone else. She also started using Liquid Paper as eyeliner because she loved The Monkees growing up, and frequently sports a wool cap, or tuque, or toboggan – whatever, it’s not a fucking ‘beanie.’ Goddamn kids. She also supports the ban on plastic straws, but that’s mostly because she’s a bird – did you ever try to use a straw with a long-ass beak? You can’t ever stick it in the nostril. Atotoztli would like to start working with kids when she retires, which means she’ll have to move someplace without child-labor laws (you thought we were gonna do something akin to ‘working with wood’ or such, but we’re not that crass. C’mon.) She knows she can’t rely on her legs forever, so she plans, before they lose their appeal, to have them amputated and stuffed to display in the front foyer – no, not as lamps, that’s crass too. You’re thinking how ludicrous a bird in a wheelchair would look, but she has wings – all she needs is a skidplate. She hopes she’s asked to put her prints outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater before then, though. Atotoztli’s favorite way to remove Liquid Paper is with peanut butter.

You bet we couldn’t get any weirder, and you lost again, didn’t you? Wanna go for broke?