Yes, it really has been an entire week, and so we return to our Profiles, featuring Chollum Bargarnthupi. Chollum was kidnapped and sold on the market of color as a slave model, forced to pout, look haughty, or even exuberantly ecstatic about kitchen storage (seen here) for much less than minimum going rates, required to even buy his own upper lip bleach. He escaped with the aid of a trusty scaup named Shubedu and vowed revenge, endeavoring to undercut the fees of his former captors until they folded in bankruptcy; since he’d been a slave, this meant that he now had to pay agencies for his services – there are some issues with this plan, true. Despite this (or perhaps because of it,) he has become one of the most sought-after chimp models in the business, and has pulled down countless contracts for toothpaste and dental services, becoming the de facto standard in the biz – those are stunning teeth, for a chimp. He is very sensitive about his camel-toe tongue, though, so we promised not to mention it. Chollum’s revenge plan actually started to work and was hurting the bottom-line of his former captors, resulting in the redoubling of their slave trade efforts to compete, branding him a pariah within ethical and amnesty circles; he’s now considering the rather trite multi-weaponed infiltration and destruction plan instead and has started a GoArmMe page. In his spare time he likes researching activities for his spare time. Chollum reluctantly admits that his favorite character on a standard keyboard is the one no one knows the name of.
Relations with Russian and China seem pretty mellow right now and the threat of Armageddon is slight, so we’ll be back next week! There’s a mixed blessing…