You tell us, which is most horrid: The dread of the impending Profiles post, or the content that exceeds your worst imagination?
Doesn’t matter, really – we only ask to try and sound like we care. Today we meet the lovely and talented Zlatina: singer, dancer, actress, writer, and budding politician, along with her husband Wyeduck, who’s had a small part in two bombed TV pilots but manages to appear in nearly all of Zlatina’s promotional photos. It’s been fun watching the media trying to establish conjoined names for them. They met at a celebrity charity event and bonded over their mutual love of trashing Oprah, and the fact that there aren’t too many Orphulella at such events; they’re not even sure they are Orphulella, to be honest, since entomologists are never invited. Zlatina is a natural, well-rounded (ahem) talent, adapting easily to new challenges and always ready to push her boundaries, while Wyeduck flunked out of the acting school taught by the Olsen twins. Nonetheless, he believes he’s only inches from being discovered, not realizing that he’s already been discovered, much like that experimental eggplant casserole intentionally forgotten in the back of the fridge that no one wants to deal with right now. Zlatina, meanwhile, manages to glom onto every last fad and conspiracy droolpuddle that comes along, thinking that believing in things that almost no one else does makes her clever; she pronounces, “mainstream,” like most people say, “diaper blowout.” Some have speculated that this is why Zlatina’s agents allow Wyeduck to keep appearing, to draw attention away from her various soapboxes, but aside from that being yet another droolpuddle in itself, it would require talent agents to have reasoning powers; ’nuff said. Wyeduck’s favorite way to describe the USB-B connector shape is, “Six-sided, but not evenly,” while Zlatina’s is, “Almost like a little barn.”
Weeks. There’s weeks left. And only seven days in each. That’s like no time at all in between.