Profiles of Nature 38

pair of southern fox squirrels Sciurus niger niger Tuyet-Hanh and Ighomuedafe scampering around tree trunk
Yeah, we just passed the autumnal equinox – we still gotta get past the solstice for all this to be over, so buckle in becau-… oh, yeah, you’re still strapped down from January anyway. So on we go.

This week we get to meet Tuyet-Hanh and Ighomuedafe, clearly ardent environmentalists who, uh, embrace their defense of the woodlands a little too enthusiastically – you’ll get it eventually. At the moment this photo was taken, Ighomuedafe could have sworn he heard the squeak of a straw in a plastic lid, and shit was about to go down. They originally met at an auction raising funds for disenfranchised Gallic video store owners, not that they cared in the slightest for the cause, instead there to protest it being billed as a “black tie event” – they have more triggers than a John Wick movie. For Tuyet-Hanh, this may be because she was raised in a fiercely conservative household where “Prius” was used as an expletive, while Ighomuedafe had merely tried to find the train to Hogwarts in his youth. They both like to think of themselves as fugitives from justice and the leaders of the revolution, though no one really cares about their antics, which to them is only evidence of government surveillance – they see a remarkable amount of drones cleverly disguised as birds. Given that, they’re unlikely to tumble to the bare truth that most conspiracy claims are actually started by The Government to disguise the fact that it can’t find its own ass with both hands and a fart detector. Sticking with their professional lives, however, Ighomuedafe is in high demand because he can arch his eyebrow in a stupendously expressive manner, except that he can’t do it consciously so directors have to find creative ways to provoke it, often by claiming that it takes talent to become successful in music. Tuyet-Hanh, meanwhile, can imitate anyone’s Resting Bitch Face effortlessly, so she has wicked contracts with Cosmopolitan and countless business magazines – she actually gets fined if she even Mona Lisas. They have a fascination with Walmart parking lots and so plan to purchase an RV when they retire. Tuyet-Hanh says the best type of locking washer is a split ring, which provokes the biggest rifts in their relationship because Ighomuedafe insists that it’s the ones that look like little cog wheels.

Nope, no holidays. Next week is on as usual.

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