No, there have been no attempts on our life at all this past week, and we’re an easy target. Sorry you wasted your money.
This week we have Scowt (the one on the left,) whose parents maintain that it’s one of those creative spellings but really just can’t spell. Scowt realizes that, upon agreeing to become a graphic novel illustrator’s model, he probably should have looked up ‘hentai’ first – he’s totally given up on calamari, we can tell you that. His story is an interesting one: his parents were following a fishing trawler on its way to the Lesser Antilles when his egg was laid in the offal of a dolphin, but one of the acceptable ones. As a maggot, he soon rose above the others in his class and was recognized for his remarkably bloated physique, making him immensely popular and bringing him to the eye of a roving talent scout (thus) as he was working after-eating in the local sushi bar. From there, he took the body-building world by storm and won award after award in competitions across the globe, and since we’re continuing the housefly theme we’re not even going to tell you what kind of competitions; you can thank us later (tip jar over there on the sidebar.) But fame has a dark side, and Scowt soon found himself hanging with a bunch of teenage praying mantises, going door-to-door and asking if people had been saved in that smarmy way. Luckily, he found a good woman who recognized the warmth in his soul and helped him get his life back on track, walking on dead things and getting stuck in half-open windows, and so he would have no reason to be hanging around a girls’ school and making lewd propositions. Like we said, this is his story, but the jury isn’t looking too convinced and he’s liable to have to take a plea – his attorney doesn’t care because she gets paid either way. Scowt’s favorite episode of Wild Wild West is the one with the hypnotism.
Join us next week or those pics go straight to the local newspapers. Whatever those are.