Or to be more specific, another milestone to photographers, because it doesn’t really impact photography in any significant way. But today is the birthday of Patois Ferndiddler. known far and wide (for a given definition of those, anyway,) as the inventor of the neck strap.
Ferndiddler’s innovation came along in that crucial time period between photographers no longer being able to afford assistants (those damn labor laws and requirements that ‘apprentices’ actually learn something) and the creation of the camera bag. Ferndiddler, realizing that constantly carrying around a large format 8×10 view camera didn’t allow the photographer to scratch themselves or pick their nose, tried to find a decent way to support the camera in a more-or-less handy way without it being in his hands, and we’ll go into the inherent contradiction in the term ‘handy’ in some later post. He first attempted to support the camera on a wheeled stand, but after losing three cameras and causing an international incident at Machu Picchu, he realized this wasn’t going to work. He then tested out the idea of a backpack sling but correctly determined that hanging a camera from your back was the best possible way to mimic leaving it at home while still carrying the weight – sadly, this lesson was lost to time. However, while leaning over a railing to speak to a teenage girl below, one of his backpack straps broke and the heavy camera swung around in a large arc that neatly decapitated an ancient statue while nearly pulling Ferndiddler over the railing, and he had his inspiration. He quickly devised a leather belt to hold the camera around his neck and thus in front of his chest, also making it obvious that he had a camera and was thus a force to be reckoned with.
Camera manufacturers were quick to adopt his idea because he was dumb enough not to patent it, but it also increased their revenue substantially in repairs to broken lenses and dented bodies. Since it also made the camera more obvious, they began adding in such enormously useful accoutrements as chrome and leatherette accents, which helped keep the makers of cheap-ass glue from going broke (as well as the breeders of steerettes.) The most abundant addition to the idea came when Kodak accidentally invested millions in pale brown shoe polish (phone connections to your broker were abysmal in those days,) and had to find some way to make this work. They created the Ever-Ready case to completely enclose the camera in leather, with a snap to release the top portion and permit immediate control of the camera while allowing the same portion to hang clumsily and conspicuously from the bottom of the camera, creating the tourist meme that Mad Magazine was delighted to abuse for decades.
Eventually, even tourists realized that a leather strap holding something heavy around your neck was enormously uncomfortable and chafing, and manufacturers were quick (for a given definition of that, anyway) to adopt the broad and softer accessory neck strap, usually with some Native American blanket motif because… actually, we have no goddamn idea why this pattern became so prevalent; it’s not like Native Americans even used such for their quivers. What all of these were adept at producing, however, was neck sweat, leading to the ‘ring around the collar’ commercials in the 70s.
Ferndiddler himself was undone by his own invention, bending over to greet the Duchess of Esperanto and accidentally snagging his camera on the arm of her chair, sending her over backwards when he stood again and hurling her into a piranha-infested river; the firing squad was unsympathetic. Meanwhile, even though camera bags have virtually taken over in a blindingly-obvious “Duryea!” manner, camera manufacturers still include a neck strap with new purchases as if this is a bonus of some kind, always requiring the buyer the thread it themselves through the little flat loops because, in a high percentage of cases, this results in the camera slipping free and shattering on the concrete.
Today, you can still purchase camera straps (yes, even in those Native American motifs,) though the target customer now seems to be retro-hipsters with their Yashica Electro 35s. But for a glorious period (for a given definition of that, anyway,) the neck strap reigned supreme as the must-have camera accessory, and for that, we recognize Patois Ferndiddler and his contribution to the history of neck problems and dented chrome accents.
I’ve been dreading the arrival of this day, but now that I’ve unloaded it all, this huge weight has lifted from my mind. Not that you need to be told, but today is ‘Fess Up Day, the day when we reveal some secret hidden deep within the recesses of our hearts, festering away, and thus unburden ourselves for improved mental health. Or set ourselves up for a week or more of derisive abuse. One or the other.
Well, okay, I didn’t have anyone else handy that would fit the bill, nor did I possess a coarse cowled monk’s robe – go figure. And I had to play with the lighting for a bit to get the nice deep shadows – if I remember right, this is taken in the bathroom with a flash unit attached to the curtain rod of the shower. What needed little help was the brow shadow, because a family trait is abnormally deep eye sockets. Then, it was a simply matter to triplicate the frame with different static filters for each, and lay each in for about 40 milliseconds of the animated gif (pronounced, “GNO-cchi.”) The static and the brevity of the appearance would disguise the towelly nature of the wardrobe. It also disguised the potato nose, which the light angle only served to highlight here, but doesn’t everyone notice such things about themselves? I’m sure everyone I know is used to it, and by, ‘used to it,’ I mean, ‘tries to avoid looking at it entirely.’ I do the same, so who am I to judge?
Boy, that’s a rather dyspeptic expression, isn’t it? I think that’s how fundamentalists imagine atheists always look, and in my case they’re probably